Have you ever feel so weird about yourself? feeling like you were not you anymore? for me, I feel it now, what an uncomfortable feeling knowing that you know something’s not right going on but you can do nothing about it. yes, sometime we can handle it but mostly disturb with ourselves? anyone ever heard that we have another side of us? hiding deep in our soul, and come out in our lower points of life, anger and unconscious condition? it appears as truly honest being and sometime shock the regular side of us? I heard it many times, I doubted about it, I was, i believed that everything we do in daily basis is describe who we really are, there is no such another side of us. but now I am on that situation, when I shocked apparently for what I have done. the words which came out from my mouth, the act that I did in responding to something, a few times after, I felt that is NOT ME at all. I used to be hurry, messed up, insulted a lot and anger. but now I feel calmer than before, I place something where it belongs to be and put a smile over a trouble, I know it sounds like a better direction, but trust me, it’s tortured when already don’t know who you really are, no matter it goes bad or good.


I hope this is came from lesson, from what I have been through, not just because I faking my self and cover my late age with some artificial wisdom. I hope this is permanent since I still don’t that we have another side of us that can mock us every time we tried to figure out our true-self.


I Don’t really know what to tell about these craft, I just amazingly stunned, and lost in my mind.

Some of these works I took from artJakarta gallery exhibition, and upside down pyramid is courtesy of my Instagram gallery. I don’t know, I just love black and white, even tough the real colors are amazing, but when i turned it into BNW, every perspective has changed. yet indescribable.


This is such a tremendous exhausting week for me, well, I am sick. literally sick. first day was a horrible day for my body. I can’t even move my body properly. dizzy all the time and the fever like never gonna leave my body. and then everything turn better in the night when I was sleeping, thought everything will be fine in the next morning. and then suddenly heavy influenza attacked me in the chilly morning, I don’t know how but whole part of my body feel so pain and throat ache, a disease that long way never come back now attacked again, and this this brutally against my throat, I can’t even smell anything and the liquid keep pouring down from my nose. it was so slathering me, I used to be with influenza but this time like ten hundred time against me. God..! what’s wrong with me…….. I checked my self to hospital, tell the doctor about what I felt, the doctor like usually just gave me the greatest smile and said that everything is okay. I doubt about that since he only gave me paracetamol and antibiotic. but yes it was getting better for a while, for the next day the throat ache turns to cough, very bad cough, and the worst part came after, in the night I thought everything is fine since the cough has been stopped, but it is not, the throat ache turn into asthma and this time I called it a-mega-asthma. why? because I cant take a breath at all, I have to suck oxygen from my mouth all night long wait until morning to checked my self again and go the a proper doctor, since the first doctor that I met was so doubtful, this time I go to a big hospital and meet a young doctor who surprisingly said the same thing with previous doctor. I AM OKAY. BUT DOC. I AM NOT OKAY. OKAY…..! I am suffering. I can’t even breath well, the trumpet-like sound comes out every time breath and I feel like I am drowning in my own body and these doctors said that I am okay????? how come? then the last execution that I took was steam up my throat and for god sake its felt so relieve… for the first time I realize how lucky i am for being a healthy person and have no problem to breath. I was miss to be grateful for this one. now I have to provide salbutamol in my pocket, and vavorub to warming my chest and neck, oh God thanks for all the lesson You gave to me, now I know how lucky i am during this life for becoming healthy person.


      Recently, I find myself enjoying various foods, I am kinda person who loyal for particular food and used to eat them over and over again. my taste is a lil’ bit hard to accept new flavor of meals. I watched many food blogger in YouTube lately, and found my interest to taste some of new kind of food that I never taste before. I mean, what should I afraid for when I am trying a new food?, maybe I was to concern about my body shape and fat bulge in my stomach, but who cares for that even more. beside, I wont taste strange food for daily, try a new kind of food once per month will not kills me anyway. so I decided to explore a new food by surfed in internet and found some references. I would not talk about it in this page, I more like to describe my feelings when I try many kind of foods in one day. It’s a little bit confusing for me, not in a bad way but more like excited and wondering where and what did I do in past few years by not trying these amazing food. I actually love it so much, I definitely will arrange a new plan to go another culinary tour and this time, maybe try some wilder and hotter food. dare to join me?


Bekasi. july 5th 2018.


        Hi, it’s been a while since the last posting, I spend my time mostly to focus on my thesis, well, it is quit tiring to find and analyze a novel simply not just because it is too difficult or too complicated, everything is actually easy, just simply because of laziness, the biggest challenge for me right now. I am now far from hoping a great thesis or a great theme for my study, the only thing I concern about now is just pass, with not-so-low score. so I can used my paper to increase my carer. to make a thesis we I need to calm myself down, not just because the tiredness and laziness, I have to pull my self down and take a deep breath every time “KAPAN LULUS” Question come up. sometime it’s motivates me, but mostly it was annoyed me. but yeah,,, one of my friend said, just enjoy the process, you’ll miss this kind of things someday in the future. and further,you’ll be proud of yourself. since I realized that I started the college stuff a bit too late and sometimes age-drama haunted me, but what can I do about it? my Mom said, I supposed to have a house and car right now, become a wealth men and having a 3-year-old kids. Honestly I am a bit sad to hear that, That’s what exactly the life that I hoped before in this age,and when I see myself in the mirror,I am like nothing but a walking flesh. when I am in my desperate time, I can do daily activities well, everything is messed up, hard to find a mood boosters to get back my mood. but, I have to be grateful, for all the easiness in my life, I tried not to compared my life to any body, I am pretty sure everybody has their own problem, we can only see from the outside, who knows that my life is a wanted-life for somebody else?  I tried to enjoy every breath that I take,every healthiness,  every simple but counts.

what is your random stories?


I just sit here for nothing, finished my second latte and continuing my daydream with my eyes wide open looking straight. I was bored to the death, Wednesday afternoon always a sacred time for me, when I have nothing to do in my office because Wednesday is a day that I have to wait for my document arrive from overseas and then in Thursday I get consumed by work and pass the day as soon as possible. so I named Wednesday as waiting day. my friends and I use to spend our afternoon in coffee shop near office building. but today both of my partner are taking their annual leave to attend their friend’s wedding.

Then I remember Jessica, a Girl I loved, but it was, since I know she already has husband and tricked me almost over 4 months, she gave me my most beautiful life at least for a couple months. I woke up and passionately dressed up only to impress my lovely Jessica. I treat my self better so I can see no pimples in my face and make sure to change my perfume every weeks, only to make sure she does not get boring of my scent. Phone is my best friend which can connect me to my Jessica when I cannot reach her or touch her. thank God for video call technology. I still able to see her pretty face even tough there is a distance fucked my willing to see her.

every weekend we went to cinema and choose backseat and the darkest corner. only to make my hand convenient when I touch her skin without anyone noticed. When the cinema was over. we used to go to her apartment and finished what we had started in cinema. I like to kiss her long first and she seems does not complain at all, I like when she talks while we were in sex and her voices made me turn up even more. after make-out. we used to enjoy soft drinks together but still naked, and she let me explore her soft skin with my passionate lips. o my God I missed her so much as I hate her that she tricked me so bad. I almost bought a diamond ring and set it up to her finger. I almost believe that she is my only one.but I was wrong. well, she has a husband work overseas,I know it from her email that accidentally she left open when I was in her apartment. I was so doomed, I also cannot angry that time, I just chilled and confuse. I felt so dumb.

a months passed, I missed her but not too much as the first day I left her, now I know I just miss to making love with her, kiss her and see her naked. nothing more. as fast as I know that she does not my only one. she is just a slut…

Then,a minute later,a couple passing through me, two person bumped my coffee table, A handsome guy and a beautiful girl, accidentally shed my coffee. the men suddenly said sorry and the girl took tissue from her handbag, actually a lot of tissue, I think it’s to much to clean this tiny table. the girl repeat say sorry to me, I just smile and said that I am okay, they leave me behind  laughing and sharing silly sound.

for the first glance I see the girl, with her curly hair and blue mini dress. with pink lipstick and heels like skyscrapers. those legs are the tallest legs I ever see in my entire life. they were right through me handling each other hands. and about five steps forward they left me behind,the girl turned her face right to my eyes and wink her right eye to me. I realize the tissue she gave me there are several numbers form a phone number. before she continue her walks to her man she suddenly smile to me and then gone. wait…! I know that smile. Jessica gave me exactly the same smile before she took me to her bed.

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